Monday, February 28, 2005

Girls Kicking Balls

A friend from SMU (Singapore Management University) informed me that she would be at our sports complex to watch the NP vs SMU IVP (Institute-Varsity-Polytechnic) soccer match. Women's soccer.


Images of women ripping off their jerseys when they score a goal danced in my head.

"Wat time? Might go peek" was my SMS reply. "Might go peek" sounds a little less desperate than "will go @_@".

I saw the NP team doing their warmups as I entered the stadium. They were dressed in dark blue jerseys, and half the team was butch. Not very promising.

Gathered at the other end of the grandstand was the SMU team, in their yellow jerseys and blue shorts. Not as many butches.

I scanned the NP side of the grandstand, making sure that no one recognising me was around, before feeling safe enough to defect to the SMU side to join my friend. Some non-NP girls for a change.

The teams filed from the grandstand to the field soon after I sat down beside my friend, who was there to lend support to a pal. The people around me, consisting mainly of reserve team members and boyfriends, started cheering their team loudly with "GO SMU!!!" and other hopeful noises. It sounded like they were ready to conquer the world. Or at least the NP team.

I must have looked quite impressed, for my friend quickly assured me that they were being rather optimistic. "They've been getting thrashed every game, like 5-0 kinda thing."

"So this is gonna be a close match," I predicted. I didn't have too much faith on the NP team either.

The game eventually started, and the SMU fans were already cheering wildly. When they were not cheering, they were giving real-time coaching - "CLEAR THE BALL!" "PASS IT!" "STOP HER!" "CROSS THE BALL!" - and all of that simultaneously.

I was quite confused watching the game in the first few minutes. It looked like giant pinball - the ball was getting bumped erratically all over the field in unpredictable directions. But as the game progressed, the strategy of both teams became clearer to me:
1) If the ball is far away from your own goal, try to kick the ball in the general direction of the opponent's goal.
2) If ball is near your own goal, try to kick the ball out of the field.
3) Dammit. Just try to kick the ball!

After a while, I felt like there was something profoundly unsatisfying about the game. It took me some time before I could place a finger on it. No one has actually kicked the ball, hard. It was like watching a carpenter tapping a nail lightly with the hammer, instead of slamming it home. It was like driving a Ferrari in a Bangkok jam (not that I've driven a Ferrari, or been in a Bangkok jam). It was like watching a pr0n movie, but the actress never removes anything (not that I've *cough* watched a pr0n movie *cough* before). In other words, it was driving me to tears.

You see, since the start of the game, the ball has never been sent to sail through the air beyond 10 metres. I needed to see the ball kicked hard. Real hard.

My frustration was finally going to be extinguished when it was time for a goal kick by SMU. One of the players carefully and deliberately placed the ball exactly at the right corner of the goal box. She then took a number of steps diagonally backwards. She must have a powerful kick, since she was the one to do the goal kick instead of the goalkeeper. I trembled with anticipation as she surveyed the field. Would the ball reach half-field? Or three-quarters, as they do it on TV? She then charged towards the ball, wound up her right leg, and swung it hard towards the ball.

pok.

The ball was stopped by an opposing player about 10 metres ahead from her, and the pinball continued.

I almost strangled my friend in despair.


Watching the game solved a mystery that had been on my mind since reading the following (via Daryl Sng, also mentioned by Mr Brown):

Hello,

I am an American living in Thailand, and will be making a visa run to Singapore just after the new year. I would like to meet an attractive woman who is interested kicking or kneeing a man in his balls. Yes, I know it will hurt, but it is a fantasy of mine and I am hoping to find someone who is interested in trying this. I am 32, well educated, good company, and attractive. I would gladly take you to a nice dinner first so we can get to know each other, and we will only do the ballbusting if we are comfortable with one another.

If you are interested, please contact me and I will send a picture. Please describe yourself, and we will take it further if we are both interested.

Thanks, and I hope to hear from you.


The secret is out. Yeah it'll probably hurt, but it'll be quite bearable.

I should give it a try someday. I'm sure a lot of girls from the SMU team would want to kick my ahem when they read this.

Any takers?

* * *

I was going to end the post above, but I'm sure some of you would be interested in the outcome of the game.

NP eventually won the game 1-0 thanks to a free kick near the penalty box. They were very lucky. But I was rather disappointed, because the NP girl who scored forgot to rip off her jersey. *sigh*

I think I'll wait for them to start a beach volleyball team.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Faces of the Internet

Another one of my long and rambling posts. Beware.

* * *

Whenever I see an infant, I would always try this trick - I would stick out my tongue at the baby, and quite often, the baby sticks out her tongue as well.

This phenomenon made big news in psychology when Andrew Meltzoff discovered it. He tried it on newborn babies who have not seen a mirror before, showing that human babies have some innate understanding of the human face.

At a very young age, children are also able to read another person's emotions. They can tell from your facial expression when you're happy or sad, angry or pleased, and so on. This may not seem like a big deal to most of us since we've always been able to do this, but it's a big deal for psychologists, particularly those who believe that humans are born to be social creatures.

It's also a big deal for parents with autistic children.

Autism, according to the The American Heritage Dictionary, is
A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.


In extreme cases of autism, other people are seen as just things or objects that move randomly and make funny noises. And autistic children do not comprehend facial expressions well, if at all.

But back to "normal" children.

It has also been known that infants like to look at the faces of people more than almost anything else, and their favourite face is usually their mother's. My own observations (as a third party observer, not as a mother) has also verified this.

Shown pictures of strangers, babies tend to prefer looking at beautiful faces. Thus babies prefer not to look at me if given the choice. I'm sure you understand why.

And it's not just babies or young children.

We prefer looking at beautiful faces over not-so-beautiful ones. And those of you who are endowed with a beautiful face, I suspect that you enjoy your time facing a mirror. (There are others who spend ages in front of the mirror in an attempt to improve what they see, but that's another story. Trust me, Photoshop is more productive.)

But even if it's not beautiful, the human eye is still naturally drawn to a human face - something that good artists and photographers understand very well, and which has been proven in the lab. Eye-tracking instruments have confirmed that when someone looks at a photograph, their eyes tends to linger on the human face longer than other parts of the picture. (I'm not sure how much this applies to pr0n though.)

Then comes the internet, where communication is largely textual, without the facial component. You don't see the face of the person you email, you don't see that face of that bigoted bastard you're arguing in the forum, you don't see the face of that (hopefully cute) girl you're chatting with on IRC. And for a good number of bloggers, you don't see the face behind all those posts you so enjoy. Sometimes this is okay. Who cares what the bigoted bastard looks like, since you guys are having an intellectual discussion (which almost always becomes emotional anyway)? Who cares what the blogger looks like if she's only providing links to interesting news?

The internet has changed much of how we use text. Strong writers can convey emotions purely through their wordcraft, but most of us find it much easier and more convenient to do that with the aid of smileys and other emoticons.

While smileys and emoticons are often useful and quite effective in communicating emotions across cyberspace, there are times when it falls far short.

Has there been a time when your mind began to form a picture of a particular person online, even though that picture is vague at best and you know it is probably wildly inaccurate anyway? Has there been a time when you were so interested in how that person looked that you even requested a picture? That guy in a particular forum? That evasive blogger? Or that interesting girl you've been chatting with on MSN?

Could it be that a personal dimension has creeped into the picture? Or could it be that you have been moved emotionally in some way?

Then why do you yearn so much, for that picture, that face?

Unfortunately, things don't always go our way in real life. We are disappointed. Disappointed because she refused to send me her pic. Or because he turns out to be ugly. Fugly.

Sometimes it's better to remain faceless.

* * *

Okay this didn't turn out to be as long as I expected, partly because I couldn't figure a way to weave everything in coherently, partly due to this headache I'm having, after being drained dry by a recent event (yes I'm being vague).

Weave everything in coherently. Weave reminds me of another word I've been using in this post - text. Etymologists will know what I'm talking about:
Middle English texte, from Old French, from Late Latin textus, written account, from Latin, structure, context, body of a passage, from past participle of texere, to weave, fabricate.


That's also how we got textile.

Enough of etymology - it's not that useful really, but I enjoy it nonetheless.

And enough rambling.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Face the Truth

This post will prove to be an important milestone in the short history of this blog, as I will be making some unprecedented moves to counter the regrettable rumours that have been going on for way too long.

But as mentioned in a previous post ("Busting Bogus Beliefs"), I understand that some will still cling tenaciously to their mistaken beliefs, but I feel that that shouldn't stop me from clearing all doubts and suspicions from the minds of the majority who are willing to yield to evidence.

In this post, I shall present - the evidence.

I hope I don't regret this.

Here goes.

* * *

I've said a number of times that I look like Wo-Hen, better known as Asian Prince.

Wo-Hen Nankan, Asian Prince

I personally find him to be a fine specimen of manhood, although I understand that your tastes may be different.

And thus, in my own eyes, I feel that I'm not too bad-looking myself. The only difference is that he has a beautifully manicured moustache, while I don't.

Asian Prince Shaved

Talk about an uncanny resemblance! That's almost identical to what I see in the mirror every day.

Except for those lovely locks, which I unfortunately lack. That hairdo may be suitable for royalty like Wo-Hen, but it's far too inconvenient for someone with a (relatively) active lifestyle like mine.

Thankfully, it's not too difficult to find someone on the internet who has a similar hairstyle like mine. It's even easier if that person is a celebrity.

Steven Lim

Yup, that's Steven Lim, the real Singapore Idol, as far as I'm concerned (sorry Taufik). He's holding what I believe to be an instrument for plucking eyebrows (ladies, correct me if I'm wrong).

Anyway, I've got his hairstyle, and coincidentally, the rest of my torso looks like his too.

With Wo-Hen's face (sans moustache) and Steven's hairdo and body, what do you get?

Yup.

You get me. Calm One.

Calm One

I look calm, don't I? Now you understand why I call myself the Calm One.

Now tell me, do I even look like Jay Chou?

For those of you who don't know how Jay Chou looks like, here's his picture for your convenience.

Jay Chou

With so many chicks after him, I don't understand why he looks so unhappy.

Jay Chou Smiling

Ah, that's much better.

Tell me honestly - do I look like Jay Chou?
(Model answer: Not at all!)

* * *

I offer my sincere apologies to anyone who is upset or disappointed after seeing my pictures. But would you rather I show you the ugly truth, or pretend that I do look like Jay Chou? (Don't answer!)

Ah well, now that the truth is out, if you see me at the Ngee Ann library, do say "hi" to me ok? Or at the very least, hand over the latest New Scientist if you happen to be holding on to it.

P.S. Cheeky "really resembles Jay Chou a lot, but only on Tuesday and Thursday." Jay Chou fans, go stalk him and let me rest in peace.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Scam Baiting Part 3

This is part 3 of a series of "scam baiting posts".
Part 1 (" Scam Baiting: URGENT REPLY NEEDED") started when I was bored enough to reply to a scammer, purportedly from Sierra Leone. He was baiting me with over 1 million USD to participate with him in some fantastic deal. I also asked for his picture.
Part 2 was where he started to get insistent on having my number, while I started getting insistent of having his picture. His nude picture.

He replies after a number of days, and I must admit that I'm beginning to like him. I present you his reply below.

* * *

DEAR CALMONE,

I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL BUT I AM SHY TO SEND YOU NUDE PICTURE BUT IF YOU SEND ME YOURS I THINK I WILL THEN HAVE THE GUTS TO SEND YOU MINE [I AM SHY].

PLEASE SEND ME YOUR MOBILE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU TO HEAR YOUR VOICE TOO WHILE I WAIT TO SEE YOUR PICTURE.

YOURS EVER

MARK

* * *

I couldn't help but laugh when I read it. This guy has a sense of humour, and how can I not like him? And he's rich too! If only he'd send me his picture.

I finally got round to sending him a reply after a few days.

* * *

Mark my love,

I am very sad and disappointed that you did not send me your nude picture.
Since you want my nude picture, I will send to you, but I hope you do
not show other people, for I am very shy too.
I have attached my picture in this email. I hope you like me.
Please send me your nude picture soon. Please do not disappoint me again.

Loving kisses,
Calmone

File attached: calm_naked.jpg

* * *

Of course, calm_naked.jpg was renamed from tubgirl.jpg.
(If you're curious about tubgirl.jpg is, just google "tubgirl". Do it discreetly, and not after a heavy meal.)

Many thanks to those of you who gave me the tubgirl idea =)

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Busting Bogus Beliefs

It is somewhat unfortunate that the recent posts of this blog have taken a downward trend in terms of intellectual content, a trend in which I shall hereby seek to reverse with this post.

This downward trend, as a number of you may have noted, has been caused by insidious rumours about the close resemblance of my facial appearance with that of a certain male celebrity. These rumours, as I have repeatedly stated, are completely unfounded and fictional.

Having stated my stand, I shall not touch on this particular subject, ever again.

* * *

One interesting thing about human beings in general is their ability to belief anything they want to, even in the face of evidence proving the contrary.

For example, a girl may keep insist that her boyfriend loves her even though he treats her like dirt (except on valentine's day), and everyone else knows that he's just making use of her.

Or how you hope against hope that you might win the Grand Prize for this TOTO lottery. Or maybe the next time, after the results have been announced for this time. Or, perhaps, the next one. Or the one after. (Please email me if you've won it before.)

Or the belief that God doesn't exist, if you're an atheist. (Sorry Christians, you've already been targeted in a previous post, now it's time to offend the atheists.) Consider this scenario:

Atheist: There is no god.

Theist: You're wrong. God exists.

Atheist: Oh yeah? Then show her to me.

Theist: Him you mean. We humans can't command God what to do, and God is not obligated to show Himself to You.

Atheist: Ah... then God doesn't exist!

Theist: ....


Familiar scenario?

But what if the following ensued:


Atheist: Ah... then God doesn't exist!

Theist: ....

GOD: I AM HERE.

*Theist falls on his knees*

Theist: Oh my God!!!

Atheist: Ermm... who are you? You're kinda... glaring...

GOD: I AM. GOD.

Atheist: I'm sorry, god doesn't exist.

GOD: I AM GOD. I EXIST.

Atheist: Prove to me that you're god.

*Lightning strikes, earth shakes, strong wind blows*

GOD: PROVEN.

Atheist: Well... you've only proven that you're are kinda powerful, but you're not god.

*Creature with seven heads and ten legs appear out of nowhere*

GOD: PROVEN.

Atheist: That's kinda impressive, but like I said, you're kinda powerful, and I do have to admit that I haven't met anyone quite as powerful as you before. But this doesn't prove that god exists.

GOD: WHAT PROOF DO YOU NEED?

Atheist: Easy, just show her to me!

GOD: HIM. I AM GOD!

Atheist: Oh no you're not - god doesn't exist!


As you can see, if the atheist has already decided that God doesn't exists, nothing can change his mind, not even God.


Which reminds me of something.

Some time ago I wrote about how a friend of mine told me that I remind her of Jay Chou. I REMIND HER of Jay Chou, not LOOK LIKE Jay Chou (PLEASE READ CAREFULLY!).

I suppose it's partly my fault. I should have known that a particular group of readers start to hyperventilate and get high once they see 'Jay Chou'. And once they're in that hyperconscious state, they are unable to read carefully. And just because I was somehow linked to Jay Chou in the post, the automatic (BUT ERRONEOUS) conclusion they get is that I look like Jay Chou. I DO NOT.

Pardon me for repeating many times that I DO NOT LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU. It's the only way to get the message across to some readers.

However, as I have illustrated earlier, no matter how much I insist I DO NOT LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU, some readers will still cling on to that BOGUS BELIEF.

Take the following familiar scenario:

(Online)

Fanatical Fantasizer: Oh Calm One the Jay Chou lookalike!

Calm One: I DO NOT LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU!

Fanatical Fantasizer: Post your photo to prove it.

Calm One: It's against Calm One policy to post my photo online.

Fanatical Fantasizer: There! You DO LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU!!!!

Calm One: OKAY OKAY I'll post my photo!!!

Fanatical Fantasizer: YAY!!!!

*Calm One posts his photo*

Fanatical Fantasizer: HEY!!! That doesn't look like Jay Chou! That looks more like... Asian Prince!!! You LIAR!!!

Calm One: I told you before that I look like Asian Prince, but you refused to believe...

Fanatical Fantasizer: You didn't post your REAL photo!!!

Calm One: B..but... that IS my REAL photo!!!

Fanatical Fantasizer: I don't believe you!!!

Calm One: Nothing I can do about that...

Fanatical Fantasizer: Oh yes there's something you can do...

Calm One: Like?

Fanatical Fantasizer: We could meet up! *beams*

Calm One: No way! That's against Calm One policy!

Fanatical Fantasizer: You don't want me to see you because you look like Jay Chou!

Calm One: I DON'T LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU!!!

Fanatical Fantasizer: Prove it! Let's meet up!

Calm One: Damn...

Fanatical Fantasizer: That's the ONLY way you can prove it...

Calm One: OKAY LAH OKAY LAH!!!

Fanatical Fantasizer: YAAAAAAYYY!!!!

Calm One: Sheeesh...

(Some time later, in a seedy shopping centre in a corner of Singapore, two people meet.)

Calm One: Hi..

Fanatical Fantasizer: Er... you look like

Fanatical Fantasizer & Calm One (together): Asian Prince!

Calm One: Yup. I'm Calm One.

Fanatical Fantasizer: Oh no you're not!!!

Calm One: Yes I am!

Fanatical Fantasizer: But you don't look like Jay Chou!!! You imposter! You identity theif! Get lost!!!

Calm One: But... I AM Calm One!!!

Fanatical Fantasizer: Calm One looks like Jay Chou, but YOU look like Asian Prince! Get lost!!!

Calm One: but....

Fanatical Fantasizer: GET LOST!!!!! *sobs* Calm One cheated me....


It's always like this. If the truth does not conform to your cherished belief, there's nothing anyone can do to change it.

Face it. The truth hurts sometimes.

* * *

By the way, hatemail is still welcome. Thanks in advance.

Interview with the Calm One

Interviewer: Thank you taking time out from your busy schedule to let me interview you...

Calm One: Let's cut the niceties and get on with the interview, before I change my mind...

Interviewer: Sure. But before we do that, I need you to understand that everything said during this interview will be posted on...

Calm One: I know lah.

I: Okay okay... let's start with the first question, the one that all your readers are dying to find out...

C: It's only a tiny minority of them...

I: Okay whatever. *Ahem* Do you, or do you not, look like Jay Chou?

C: Judge for yourself - it's obvious.

I: I know lah, but I just wanted to have it straight from the horse's mouth.

C: I am not a horse.

I: Okay lah whatever. So do you look like Jay Chou?

C: You tell me.

I: Obviously you don't lah. But please answer the question, just for the record.

C: Fine. I do NOT, look like Jay Chou!

I: Relak lah... no need to get so worked up...


I: ... but won't your readers get disappointed?

C: Maybe they would, but what can I do? The truth hurts, and I'd rather be brutally honest with them now, than let them cling on to a wishful fantasy, only to be totally devastated much later when they finally find out the ugly truth.

I: Well... to make it easier for your readers to make the transition towards the truth, I think I'll just tell everyone that you do resemble Jay Chou, but just a leeetle bit...

C: I'll kill you if you do.

I: You can't kill me.

C: Why not?

I: Cos I'm just a figment of your imagination.

C: Hmmm.... but I still can shut you up.

I: Like how?

C: Like this. End of interview.

* * *

This interview is further proof that I DO NOT LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU!!!!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day!

A woman was standing at the school gates this morning selling roses.

So it must be St Valentine's Day today oh yeah!

"Would you like to buy one for your girlfriend?"

"No thanks my boyfriend hates flowers," I wanted to say. In my cowardice, I only managed the first 2 words.

* * *

I need to stop myself. I just realised that I've been saying unhappy things about the last few supposedly-joyous occasions, including CNY, New Year, and Xmas. Wouldn't it be too predictable for me to go on a rampage about how hypocritical and hollow the whole Valentine shebang?

Just for once, just for today, just for you,
I shall be uncharacteristically positive about St Valentine's Day, and list down why I sincerely feel that it's really a great day.




1.



psssst... quick, someone help me out here... i need ideas!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Scam Baiting Part 2

This post continues on from a previous post (" Scam Baiting: URGENT REPLY NEEDED"), where I was bored enough to reply to a scammer, purportedly from Sierra Leone.

I present you his reply below.

* * *

DEAR MR. CALMONE,

I GOT YOUR MAIL AND I WISH TO TELL YOU THAT I AM GLAD TO DO FUTURE BUSINESS WITH YOU.

AS I TOLD YOU, 25% IS FOR YOU IN THE TRANSACTION AFTER YOU HAVE CLAIMED THE MONEY.

AS I ALSO TOLD YOU, I AM NOT GOOD IN ANY BUSINESS SO YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE THE MOST PROFITABLE ORIENTED BUSINESS THAT WE ARE GOING TO ENGAGE OURSELVE WITH.

PLEASE DO GIVE ME YOUR INFORMATION THAT IS YOUR MOBILE NUMBER TO ENABLE ME SEND IT TO MY FATHERS LAWYER IN LONDON SO THAT HE CAN REACH YOU EASILY.

BE INFORMED THAT THE LAWYER ASKED ME HOW I GOT TO KNOW YOU BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I KNEW YOU THRU MY FATHER WHILE HE WAS ALIVE. THE LAWYER IS WORRIED BECAUSE HE WANTS BE TO DEAL WITH THE RIGHT PERSON AND I HAVE TOLD HIM THAT YOU ARE HONEST AND SINCERE AND WILLING TO ASSIST ME.

THE LAWYER ASSURED ME THAT AFTER HE CONCLUDES WITH YOU, THAT HE WILL FLY TO BANGKOK THAILAND FOR THE NECESARY DOCUMENTATIONS AND THE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP OF THE FUND TO YOUR NAME FOR YOUR EASY CLAIM AND TRANSFER.

THANKS AND HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU.

FROM

MARK

* * *

It didn't seem to register that I wasn't giving him my number because it's the Chinese New Year etc. Anyway, I was starting to get tired of the game, so I decided a different approach.

* * *

Darling Mark,

Sorry I couldn't reply to you sooner, as I've been busy with the
Chinese New Year celebrations. It's been a great New Year with loads
of wine, men, and song. In fact, I think I'm still a bit drunk. I'll
get back to you as soon as I start thinking straight - this business
is important to me so I need to think straight before I can make the
right decisions.

Oh, could I please, pretty please have your photo?

Love and kisses,
Calmone.

* * *

This Mark guy is really lucky. Not everyone gets love letters from me you know...
It pays to offer me a lot of money!

I was thinking that I wouldn't be hearing from him anymore, but I was completely wrong.

* * *

DEAR CALMONE,

I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL AND I AM VERY GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU HAD A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR THANKS BE TO GOD.

MY FATHERS LAWYER IS DEMANDING FOR YOUR CONTACT DETAILS SO PLEASE TRY TO GET A TELEPHONE NUMBER AS YOU SAID SO THAT I WILL SEND HIM YOUR DETAILS TO ENABLE HIM REACH YOU.

I WILL SEND YOU MY PICTURE AS SOON AS I GET THE CHANCE.

WITH LUV

* * *

With luv??? Wow, he must be pretty desperate to want to play along. Or could he be gay? Let's see how he responds to this...

* * *

My Dearest Beloved Mark,

Could you send me your nude picture too?

Dying to hear from you,
Calmone

* * *

Who knows, in another corner of blogosphere could be a blog owned by Mark, and he's publishing our loving exchange, letting his readers have a great laugh at some guy named Calmone.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Whatever

I was beginning to habour thoughts of inadequacy as a blogger and writer, particularly after my post ("Hate Mail Bait") which was meant to garner some hatemail. As you may know, all the hatemail (comments) I got were ones which were posted just to make me happy (and thus shut me up), or even thinly disguised attempts at mocking me!

And no, that wasn't all. To rub salt and sulphur into my already-gaping wound, there were utterly unfounded rumours about my looks (I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT LOOK LIKE JAY CHOU CHEE *cough*!) and singing ability (NOR SING LIKE HIM!), people advertising their infidel blogs (I hate the guy - he's got more hatemail than I have lovemail), people matchmaking my readers (ok - I'm also guilty), flirtation between my readers (and they were brazen enough to leave me out!), asking for my personal particulars (not because they want to hunt me down to kill me, but because they want to hunt me down for worse reasons), love declarations, marriage proposals...

You don't know how much grief and anguish I had to suffer through reading those comments of yours. Did you not care how much time and effort I spent on that post? (Yuppers, it's probably my longest post yet!) Did you not sense my disappointment or sympathise with my unfortunate plight as non-hatemail after non-hatemail appeared in my comments page?

Just when I was starting to entertain blogicidal thoughts again, this time in anger and disappointment mingled with thoughts of despair and agony *sniff*, someone called "whatever" finally, finally ended my misery five days after the post appeared.

Before I proudly present to you the abovementioned hatemail, let me paste a comment response of mine to another reader, which "whatever" alluded to:

i've heard it said many times that it takes more faith to be an atheist, but i think u should stop using this argument cos atheists are simply not gonna buy it - it's not very convincing.
you're right that reason can't explain everything, but the issue i have (against anybody, not just christians) is just because reason can't explain it all, they think that it is reasonable to become unreasonable ('beyond reason', they call it), or that it is logical to be illogical ('beyond logic').
if you want to convince me of your views, fine, but at least be reasonable about it, then we have a common ground to communicate. if you can't be reasonable, have a nice day.


With that as the backdrop, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you my first real hatemail, by "whatever", in its unadulterated and pristine condition, for your admiration:

dear calm one

how can you claim to be reasonable when you set out to be flamed?

i don't know you, but i have no doubt that you're a bright guy.

what i hate abt you is that you strike me to be a pompous ass. you obviously know that you're intelligent and you act as if everyone else is beneath you. plus you have no tolerance for anyone or anything that's different. yet it's ironic that you're not exactly "ordinary" yourself.

i'm a catholic but i wouldn't have bothered to respond even if you trashed the religion. we're all entitled to our own views and beliefs.

i'm writing because i think your attitude stinks.

even though you deny it, i do believe that you resurrected your blog because you crave the attention and enjoy getting your intellect affirmed.

over 90% of people in this world believe in a God. what makes you so special? perhaps it'll do you some good to take up a religion... one with a long, documented and undisputed history that i reckon you prefer.

perhaps then your worldview would change and along with it your personality.

some things are better left mysterious. we don't have all the answers because we're not meant to. not everything has to be steeped in knowledge. let go and you'll be a happier person.

it's been nice not knowing you.

whatever | 08.02.05 - 9:52 pm


Beautiful, don't you think?

* * *

It's tempting just the leave that artfully-crafted hatemail as it is, but I'm sure if I leave it alone for too long, some of you will not be able to resist a bit of arson. But since this is my blog, I feel I deserve to make the first move. You can have the leftovers after I'm done. Hurhurhur.

So may I present the same piece of art, sacrilegiously vandalised by me. (I shall assume that "whatever" is male, purely out of convenience.)

dear calm one


Dear calm one? Not bad - biting sarcasm right from the very start. Very promising.

how can you claim to be reasonable when you set out to be flamed?


Eh... why not? I am reasonable, therefore I am reasonable. hurhurhur.
Let's hope he catches my mocking irony.

i don't know you, but i have no doubt that you're a bright guy.


*cough* Let's hope he's not being sarcastic here.

what i hate abt you is that you strike me to be a pompous ass.


Did you spot that? I mean, DID YOU SPOT THAT???? "what i HATE abt you" - he actually mentioned the 4-letter word!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's official, it's there in black and white: this is pure, unadulterated hatemail!

And I'm a "pompous ass"! Guys, you don't know how excited I am. Pompous ass - how cool is that???

Ok, let me calm down - I'm getting too excited for myself. Besides, I'm supposed to be the Calm pompous assed One.

you obviously know that you're intelligent and you act as if everyone else is beneath you.


Uhhh... sorry hor, I dun get it. My readers are all highly intelligent, and I treat them as my intellectual equals, and they prove their intelligence and worth by their appreciation for my subtle humour.

Waitaminute - I think I now have ONE reader who isn't quite... nevermind.

plus you have no tolerance for anyone or anything that's different. yet it's ironic that you're not exactly "ordinary" yourself.


Goody - I'm now an intolerant pompous ass. Or is it pompous intolerant ass? Whatever.

By the way, "whatever", I have little tolerance for people who can't be reasonable, but if you are reasonable, whatever your belief or worldview, we can talk. Read my comment quoted above again (more carefully this time).

i'm a catholic but i wouldn't have bothered to respond even if you trashed the religion. we're all entitled to our own views and beliefs.


You're certainly entitled to believe that I'm a pompous intolerent ass. HEEHAW!
And perhaps you're even right about it. HEEHAW! HEEHAW!

Friendly Tip: If I were you, "whatever", I wouldn't go around declaring that I'm a catholic, unless I want to give Catholicism a bad name. They're already getting enough bad press from pedophiliac priests and Dan Brown books.

i'm writing because i think your attitude stinks.


Pompous, intolerent ass with a thinking attitude. Stinking attitude I mean.

even though you deny it, i do believe that you resurrected your blog because you crave the attention and enjoy getting your intellect affirmed.


Great technique - make claims about me which I won't be able to convincingly falsify without closing down the blog. E.g.

Me: That wasn't why I revived my blog.

Whatever: Oh yeah? Close down your blog to prove it!

Me: ...

Whatever: There - you can't prove it. So you DO crave the attention and enjoy the affirmation after all!

So now I'm a pompous, attention-craving, intolerent ass with a stinking attitude.

(But, "whatever", if it makes you feel better, this blog will be killed in a few months anyway. But still, that wouldn't disprove that I crave the attention.)

over 90% of people in this world believe in a God.


Wow, he has statistics to back his point, whatever that point is. Not too many generations ago, over 99% of people in this world believed that the world was flat.

And by the way, from what I know, the figure is closer to 80%, and it includes not just theists, but deists, polytheists, pantheists, panentheists, etc.
(If you can't convince them, confound them with big "-eists" words. Actually I don't know what's the point I'm trying to make here either. Heh.)

what makes you so special?


I don't know what makes me special, but what makes YOU special is that you're the first one to send me serious hatemail! You should feel honoured!

perhaps it'll do you some good to take up a religion... one with a long, documented and undisputed history that i reckon you prefer.


And I don't get the point here either. I don't know of any religion with that satisfies all those conditions - long, documented and undisputed history. *scratches head*

If you're referring to Roman Catholicism, the "undisputed" part of it would be completely laughable. Just take, say, the relationship of Pope Pius XII and Hitler. No dispute? I could go on and on and on...

perhaps then your worldview would change and along with it your personality.


You may have noticed that I have no personality to speak of, let alone change. Poor me.

some things are better left mysterious. we don't have all the answers because we're not meant to. not everything has to be steeped in knowledge. let go and you'll be a happier person.


*Sigh* He should really have read my comment (quoted above) properly, where I did say that "reason can't explain everything". But I don't blame him. When you're angry, and you want to get your point across, you have to get that point across, even though the guy you're angry with already agrees with you.

it's been nice not knowing you.


Awww... so poignant...

* * *

Not everyone gets to be the centre of attraction in my blog post. It pays to send me hatemail.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Predictions for the New Year

I was in NP's lifestyle library (again) just now, and decided to see what's in the latest issue of New Scientist. I cursed under my breath as I approached the shelf, for someone had already taken it. Must be one of my blog readers. Or blogders, as Xiaxue terms it. I made a mental note never to mention the magazines I actually read on this blog ever again, so my readers won't deprive me of my enjoyment.

Still slightly surly, I went over to another shelf to grab a copy of Teenage Magazine *cough*.

I had actually skimmed through the issue before, but I wanted to read the article entitled Life, Reinvented a little more carefully, as the stuff wasn't easy - DNA, synthetic biology, etc.

I had great difficulty concentrating.

No, it wasn't because of that Ah Lian in a microskirt sitting nearby who kept flicking her blonde hair over her shoulder.

The library was playing Chinesy Chinese music. Best of all, some of the tracks got stuck and thus kept repeating, like a Fatboy Slim arrangement gone wrong.

So Chinese New Year is coming.
yay.

* * *

Today marks the last day of the goat year, and tomorrow ushers in the new Year of the Cock.

My friend, you have been reading my blog faithfully, and I think I owe you the truth. The painful truth.

You know how it is during the Chinese New Year season - everyone wishes everyone else a year of prosperity, good fortune, success, wealth, blah, blah, blah, but how often has any those wishes come true for you? And if it has, did it come every year?

My dear friend, they've been lying to you.

This is why, whenever someone wishes me a "gong xi fa cai", I am tempted to show them the symbol of the cock with my finger. Somehow this CNY seems particularly appropriate for that...

* * *

Predictions for the New Cock Year

The truth hurts, and because of that, many of us don't really want the truth - we're far happier listening and believing lies.

Unconvinced?

"Darling, does this dress make my butt look big?"

"My dear, this dress, that dress, or no dress, your butt is big."

You get the idea.

If you can't handle the truth, go to another site. (Maybe not, since I'm still hoping for hatemail.) There must be a gazillion other cock-year-prediction sites which will tickle your ears and make you happy. But I, the Calm One, will tell you the truth.



So what will this Year of the Cock bring you?


You will meet many cockanadans. More than ever before. In fact, it will be painfully obvious to you that just about everyone around you is a cockanadan. If you don't notice that happening, it's because you, too, have turned into a cockanadan.


You will be talking a lot of cock. More than ever before. As you will be mixing with the cockanadans around you, or as you become one yourself, talking cock will become unavoidable. And if you're a blogger, I'll leave it to you to figure out what will happen to many of your posts this coming year.


You will have many cock-ups in your endeavors. More than ever before. It's one thing to just talk (talk cock), but when cockanadans actually start doing things, what else can you expect?


It's bad enough to meet cockanadans, but you will also meet cocky people. Cocky cockanadans. Enough said.


Happy new cock year. hurhurhur.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Scam Baiting: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Update: There's more correspondence.

* * *

Instead of getting hatemail, I get mail from someone calling me dear beloved. *sigh*

* * *

URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Dear Beloved,
I humbly crave your indulgence in sending you this mail, if the contents does not meet with your personal and business ethics, I apologise in advance, I am Mark Ncube the first Son of Mr Solomon.D.Ncube former national security advicer to the ousted Sierria Leonean military head of state, Paul Koroma.I am writing to express my interest in real estate or landed properties in your country. Though my father died in detention a couple of months ago while been detained by the new government. Before his untimely death, he instructed me to leave the country for my safety and start up a business somewhere out side Africa with a total sum of
USD7.300.000 ( Seven million three hundred thousand United States Dollars) which he deposited in a Security Company here in Bangkok Thailand.

Actually, I have never met you before, but it was a friend of my father who happened to be present at his bural that adviced me to consider your country for my investments. After due
consideration, I started searching the web side where I got your email address. No one else is
aware of my proposal to you.Due to social, economic and political instability in west African
region, I decided to seek your assistance in transfering this money into your private or institutional account for my investment purposes.I have all the vital documents that covers the deposit which could be faxed to you upon request. Transaction of this nature demands the
highest trust and confidence between both parties. This transaction is 100% risk
free. For your assistance in this transfer, I have decided to give 20% of the total sum involved and 5% mapped out for miscellaneous expenses that we may incure during the process.
Your acceptance of this proposal or otherwise should please be communicated through my E.MAIL address. Your quick response will be appreciated. However, if you are not disposed to assist, kindly distroy this letter to protect the identity and confidentiality of the
parties involved.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks.
Yours Sincerely,
Mark Ncube.

* * *

Gosh I'm so touched. He wants to give me a lot of money. Simply irresistable.

* * *

Re: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Hi Mark,

I'd be interested in helping you with this, but do I get anything out of it?
Also, I don't have a fax - is that ok with you?

Rgds,
Calmone.

* * *

This is gonna be so much fun. Good way to keep my mind off the lack of hatemail.

* * *

THANKS

Dear Mr. Calmone,

Sir,

I recieved your mail with thanks and I want you to know that your intrest in the transaction is that you are going to be my investment partner in any business that you deem suitable in your country.

Hence the money is transfered to your account, we will enter into partnership and you will have 25% of every proceed from the company.

Do send to me your telephone, fax and your mobile so that I will send it to my fathers lawyer who is based in London to effect all the necesary arrangement to see that the fund is transfered to your account.

Upon the transfer of the money into your account, I will then make arrangement to meet with you in your country for onwards bussiness.

Thanks and hoping to hear from you soonest.

From

Mark Ncube

* * *

Re: THANKS

Hey Mark,

Did you say 25%?? Isn't that US$1,825,000? Sounds like an interesting
deal. I'm deinitely interested.

Are there any particular are of business that you're interested in? I
have some contacts, and I could do some research so that we can get
into business soon.

You think we still can do the deal without a fax machine? I don't have
a fax machine you see (I'm not a businessperson myself). But if you
can send me a few hundred dollars first, I'll be most happy to buy a
fax machine just to see this deal through!

Or if that's too much trouble, you could always scan the necessary
documents and email them to me, and I can print them out on my side.
How does that sound?

I do have a mobile, but I'll be changing to a new number very soon.
You see, the Chinese New Year is in 2 days, and we chinese people like
to change to new things for the new year - new clothes, new computer,
new mobile, etc. I'll give you my new number as soon as I get it.

Well, thanks so much for getting me involved!

P.S. I heard Sierra Leone guys are good-looking. You think you could
send me your picture? Just curious how you look.

Cheers,
Calmone

* * *

I was wondering whether to take the dumb path, or the gay path. Maybe both. Let's see if he wants his pic on my blog.

Anyway, ideas and suggestions are most welcome =)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Hate Mail Bait

Mr Brown recently told a few of us bloggers that he likes receiving hatemail.

Hate mail? I've never received hatemail.

It was then when I suddenly felt incomplete as a blogger. Mr Brown gets hatemail, Xiaxue gets hatemail, but me?

So one of the reasons why I had to come back is to solicit some hatemail.

I learnt from Xiaxue that one of the ways to draw hate mail is to say bad things about celebs like Fiona Xie. (To be honest, I don't even know how Fiona Xie looks like.)

Anyway, I happen to know a couple of local TV celebs personally. But because they are friends (although not close), I can't get myself to say anything bad about them. In fact, I don't even want to mention their names here.

As for the other celebs, I don't know anything exclusive about them, nor do I care to - they're not worth my time anyway.

Looks like I'll have to look elsewhere for hatemail.


The next obvious place, is obviously religion.

Particularly the monotheistic religions.

We don't encounter too many Jews here in Singapore, so my experience with them is quite limited. And I doubt any of my readers are Jews, so I probably won't get any hatemail.

The next oldest major monotheistic religion is Christianity. I've got ample experience with Christians. But Xiaxue has been giving them so much flak lately, so maybe I'll give them a break this time.

That leaves me with Islam.

But I guess not. I'm trying to attract hatemail, not fatwas. And I don't exactly want to see my picture appearing in Arabic websites.

So I guess I have little choice.

Here goes...

* * *

I was walking towards the school gate to go home one evening a few weeks back when 3 guys came in the school gate. I immediately sensed something queer about them by the way they spied me from the corner of their eyes. I would have thought that they were gays looking for another orgy member if they were better groomed. They looked more like the typical poly nerd - old polo T-shirt tucked deep into the jeans and probably underwear. I instinctively wanted to avoid them, but couldn't as we were already on the same path.

The one leading the pack spoke up nervously when he came close enough.

"Can I talk to you for a while?"

He wouldn't make a good gay, even if he wanted to.

"No thanks I don't have time," was my knee-jerk response.

The guy looked visibly relieved. I was half-expecting him to give me one of those super-slick smartass but-I'm-sure-you'll-have-time-to-die responses.

So we parted ways. And I immediately regretted my decision.

You see, the guy was obviously some kind of trainee, judging from the smug looks of the 2 guys with him. It would have been so much fun to have them realise that they were not dealing with the usual prey, and have the 2 'supervisors' to jump in to bail the trainee out, only to realise that they would need bailing out themselves. Maybe next time.

Note to self: the next time a religiot comes along, don't run for cover!

* * *

It would help alot if it was a gorgeous babe coming up to me and telling me about her religion. For some reason it has never happened to me. I hear the Children of God sect is banned in Singapore.

* * *

The next opportunity came along when I was about to go home again (why must they always pounce on me when I'm going home?).

In fact, they must have been from the same group, as one of them who was spying at me at the atrium was one of the 2 supervisors I mentioned earlier. I soon felt someone trailing me, and I instinctively quickened my pace, forgetting about my previous note to self. A guy was soon beside me, and started introducing me to Christianity...

This guy was confident, and was probably quite a veteran in evangelism. I politely humoured him for a while as he ran through the basics, before I started to get impatient and a tad contemptuous.

"You know, I already know everything you've talked about, and more. And I won't be surprised if I know more than you."

He responded with his eyebrows.

I went on to spew out some big theological terms too see if he would be impressed. And he was.

"Are you sure you're not a Christian?"

I had to laugh. You see, I told him earlier that I wasn't a Christian.

"Have you heard of a Christian claiming not to be one? It's like an honest guy claiming to be a liar."

"Then how come you know so much?"

"I read."

He had to pause to let those 2 words sink in. I don't blame him - it's something hard to swallow.

Anyway, he went on to talk about other things. Standard technique - if you hit a wall, try another direction.

We soon started talking about the Bible. He declared that it was God's word.

"But how do you know it's God's word?" I challenged him.

By then, I had already profiled him, and decided that he was simply no match, and it was starting to get a little tiring. I felt like a lion who has gotten bored of playing games with its prey, and suddenly decided that it was time to eat.

He was quite prepared for the challenge. Or so he thought. "First, I'm sure you know that the Bible has survived with us through thousands of years, because God preserved it. It has also survived unchanged throughout the ages. The Bible is also the world's bestselling book..."

I had to stop him - he was overwhelming me with blatant fallacies, and I prefer to deal with a fallacy at a time.

"Wait.. hang on, hang on... aren't the Vedas older than the Bible?"

"The what?"

I tried not to roll my eyeballs.

"The Hindu scriptures. They're much older than the Bible. So maybe the Hindu gods preserved their scriptures?"

He soon had to admit that his first claim was fallacious.

"So does that prove that the Bible is not God's word?"

"No, of course not..." he must have been trying to think really hard.

"You're cheating. You claim something, and you give me the evidence, but I show you that your evidence is false, yet you still insist that your original claim is still valid."

I had to rephrase that a few times before it made sense to him.

Then I threw the challenge that I had been waiting so long for.

"You say that the Bible is God's word because it's been unchanged over all these many years, am I right?"

He cautiously agreed.

"Now what if I can prove to you that the Bible has actually been changed? Would that mean that the Bible is not God's word?"

"Prove it to me."

"You haven't answered my question. Would that mean that the Bible is not God's word? You see, what you're trying to do is this - when I show you that the Bible has changed, you'll again come up with another reason why the Bible is God's word. So tell me, if I can prove to your satisfaction that there has been changes to the Bible, would it show that the Bible is not God's word?"

He thought for a moment, and swallowed hard.

"Yes. Prove it to me."

I felt a mixture of excitement and pity. I had no intention of shaking his faith, but maybe it would be good learning experience for him.

"Let's have a look at your Bible."

He handed it to me. It was falling apart. Good on him, he's been reading his Bible.

"So you use the NIV," I observed. (The NIV is currently the best-selling Bible translation.)

"Let's look at first John," I turned to the section I was looking for.

"Look at chapter 5, and verses 7 and 8."

7 For there are three that testify:
8 the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.


"Notice there's a footnote? Let's see what it says."

Late manuscripts of the Vulgate -
testify in heaven: the Father, the Word and the Holy Spirit, and these three are one.
8 And there are three that testify on earth: the (not found in any Greek manuscript before the sixteenth century)


"It says, 'not found in any Greek manuscript before the sixteenth century' - meaning that the manuscripts before the 16th century are different from the later ones. And where there's a difference, there's a change. So the Bible has changed after all. So what can we conclude? I'll let you decide." I didn't want to push him too far. You know, people can get unstable when their cherished beliefs are seriously challenged.

He finally spoke up after a pregnant pause, "I'll have to check on this."

"Of course, of course. I don't expect you to change what you believe here and now - it makes sense for you to find out more right? Nice talking to you!"

He stopped me before I could go.

"Maybe we should meet up for some Bible study?"

And I thought I was audacious.

"No thanks. I prefer doing it myself thank you. It's late now, and I'm starving. Have a nice day!"

* * *

I really have nothing against Christians or Christianity. In fact, Christianity happens to be my favourite religion, even though I'm an infidel. Nor do I expect the average Christian to know as much as I do, so I don't blame the guy. It's just too bad that he awakened the predatory instincts of the wrong guy. Maybe it'll encourage him to learn a little more about his own beliefs.

If you're a Christian, go ahead and defend the Bible as God's word, but if I were you, I wouldn't even mention the 'proofs' that he gave as they hold absolutely no water.

And if you're a Christian and you're bothered by what I presented here (that there has been changes in the Bible), go talk to your Pastor or someone who knows her Bible history - you'll find that the fact that there have been changes is really not a big deal.

Enough for now.

Please, pleeeease, send me hate mail!!!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Post Mortem

It's been exactly a month since I killed this blog, and I thought I could finally rest in peace. I've found that it wasn't that difficult for me to kill this blog, partly because it was something I had been planning to do for a while.

But what I wasn't quite expecting was the reaction I'd get from you. Sure, I did expect some kind of a reaction, but I didn't expect the type of reaction you gave, nor did I expect to be affected by your reaction. I do confess that I felt more than a tinge of guilt. Maybe my announcement came too suddenly, too abruptly, even though I did give hints just days before (but you refused to believe anyway)...

So I'm back here, rather unwillingly, breaking my word.

I meant it when I said that it would be my last post.
I meant it when I said that I don't like the taste of fame and power (I still don't).
I meant it when I said I won't be resurrecting this blog.
I meant all of it.

But it's for you. Because of you, I'm back here. Condemned to blog here.
No one ever warned me about the curse of a blogger.


* * *


When someone comes back from the dead, you don't know if he's the same person.

Don't expect things to be the same here either.

It's only been a month. But I've changed.

And don't blame me if you don't like the changes.


* * *


And oh, I definitely won't be blogging here after this semester, which ends around April or May. This time, don't say I didn't give you enough warning!



This post is brought to you by Messenger of Death - Send messages to your loved ones after your death!