Monday, February 28, 2005

Girls Kicking Balls

A friend from SMU (Singapore Management University) informed me that she would be at our sports complex to watch the NP vs SMU IVP (Institute-Varsity-Polytechnic) soccer match. Women's soccer.

Images of women ripping off their jerseys when they score a goal danced in my head.

"Wat time? Might go peek" was my SMS reply. "Might go peek" sounds a little less desperate than "will go @_@".

I saw the NP team doing their warmups as I entered the stadium. They were dressed in dark blue jerseys, and half the team was butch. Not very promising.

Gathered at the other end of the grandstand was the SMU team, in their yellow jerseys and blue shorts. Not as many butches.

I scanned the NP side of the grandstand, making sure that no one recognising me was around, before feeling safe enough to defect to the SMU side to join my friend. Some non-NP girls for a change.

The teams filed from the grandstand to the field soon after I sat down beside my friend, who was there to lend support to a pal. The people around me, consisting mainly of reserve team members and boyfriends, started cheering their team loudly with "GO SMU!!!" and other hopeful noises. It sounded like they were ready to conquer the world. Or at least the NP team.

I must have looked quite impressed, for my friend quickly assured me that they were being rather optimistic. "They've been getting thrashed every game, like 5-0 kinda thing."

"So this is gonna be a close match," I predicted. I didn't have too much faith on the NP team either.

The game eventually started, and the SMU fans were already cheering wildly. When they were not cheering, they were giving real-time coaching - "CLEAR THE BALL!" "PASS IT!" "STOP HER!" "CROSS THE BALL!" - and all of that simultaneously.

I was quite confused watching the game in the first few minutes. It looked like giant pinball - the ball was getting bumped erratically all over the field in unpredictable directions. But as the game progressed, the strategy of both teams became clearer to me:
1) If the ball is far away from your own goal, try to kick the ball in the general direction of the opponent's goal.
2) If ball is near your own goal, try to kick the ball out of the field.
3) Dammit. Just try to kick the ball!

After a while, I felt like there was something profoundly unsatisfying about the game. It took me some time before I could place a finger on it. No one has actually kicked the ball, hard. It was like watching a carpenter tapping a nail lightly with the hammer, instead of slamming it home. It was like driving a Ferrari in a Bangkok jam (not that I've driven a Ferrari, or been in a Bangkok jam). It was like watching a pr0n movie, but the actress never removes anything (not that I've *cough* watched a pr0n movie *cough* before). In other words, it was driving me to tears.

You see, since the start of the game, the ball has never been sent to sail through the air beyond 10 metres. I needed to see the ball kicked hard. Real hard.

My frustration was finally going to be extinguished when it was time for a goal kick by SMU. One of the players carefully and deliberately placed the ball exactly at the right corner of the goal box. She then took a number of steps diagonally backwards. She must have a powerful kick, since she was the one to do the goal kick instead of the goalkeeper. I trembled with anticipation as she surveyed the field. Would the ball reach half-field? Or three-quarters, as they do it on TV? She then charged towards the ball, wound up her right leg, and swung it hard towards the ball.


The ball was stopped by an opposing player about 10 metres ahead from her, and the pinball continued.

I almost strangled my friend in despair.

Watching the game solved a mystery that had been on my mind since reading the following (via Daryl Sng, also mentioned by Mr Brown):


I am an American living in Thailand, and will be making a visa run to Singapore just after the new year. I would like to meet an attractive woman who is interested kicking or kneeing a man in his balls. Yes, I know it will hurt, but it is a fantasy of mine and I am hoping to find someone who is interested in trying this. I am 32, well educated, good company, and attractive. I would gladly take you to a nice dinner first so we can get to know each other, and we will only do the ballbusting if we are comfortable with one another.

If you are interested, please contact me and I will send a picture. Please describe yourself, and we will take it further if we are both interested.

Thanks, and I hope to hear from you.

The secret is out. Yeah it'll probably hurt, but it'll be quite bearable.

I should give it a try someday. I'm sure a lot of girls from the SMU team would want to kick my ahem when they read this.

Any takers?

* * *

I was going to end the post above, but I'm sure some of you would be interested in the outcome of the game.

NP eventually won the game 1-0 thanks to a free kick near the penalty box. They were very lucky. But I was rather disappointed, because the NP girl who scored forgot to rip off her jersey. *sigh*

I think I'll wait for them to start a beach volleyball team.

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